Part of the fun of working for the government is that every few years all semblance of order is thrown into the air. That’s what we in the United States call Election Day.

So, rather than write my typical rambling Apple Cider column, I will instead turn to the morsels of wisdom that have fallen from the lips of our most honorable leaders and other notable pundits. Enjoy!

“I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.” —George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

“This is a great day for France!” —Richard Nixon, while attending Charles de Gaulle’s funeral

“Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know?…I bet if they did, I hope I would say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.’” —George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.” —Dan Quayle

“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.” —Dan Quayle, during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind, or not to have a mind. How true that is.” —Dan Quayle, addressing the United Negro College Fund

“I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore—that is, Maryland.” —William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

“The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.” —George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.” —Dan Quayle

Walter Mondale: “George Bush doesn’t have the manhood to apologize.”
Bush: “Well, on the manhood thing, I’ll put mine up against his any time.”

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.” —Former Washington, DC Mayor Marion Barry

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.” —First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton

“Politics is supposed be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” —Ronald Reagan

“I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.” —Jimmy Carter

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.” —Dwight D. Eisenhower

“During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.” —Vice President Al Gore

“The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep.” —Clinton aide George Stephanopolous

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.” —A congressional candidate in Texas

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another.” —George Bush

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.” —Dan Quayle

And, this one has got to be the best:

“A fool and his money are soon elected.” —Will Rogers

Copyright © 2000 Tom Iovino, tiovino@atpm.com.