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ATPM 3.01
January 1997




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We Deny All Rumors...

Back in June (issue 2.06), we used this space to deny the nasty, pernicious rumor that ATPM had been taken over through a covert operation spearheaded by the soon-to-be-later-named Editor. We appropriately and responsibly reported that the change in editorial control had nothing to do with this rumored activity. Suspiciously, the transfer of power did coincide with the rumor and our former editor hasn't been seen at ATPM world headquarters since. Still, we advised all readers to place no more credence in this story than they would if they were told that ATPM had finally set up its own domain name, established a new e-mail scheme, and added to its staff. We do, after all, wonder where these rumors get started. In totally unrelated matters, this month's feature story is entitled "What's NeXT for ATPM?" It includes information about our new Web site at and the new e-mail addresses to reach members of the staff (especially the new ones!).

New rumors have now surfaced which suggest, among other things, that we have established a secret agreement with the leader of a south seas island to smuggle people back and forth as needed for our staff. Therefore, we decided it was in everyone's best interest for us to publicly state exactly how we do things at ATPM.

In that same June issue, you may recall that we were deep in negotiations with the Grand Pooh-Bah of a south seas island which had spawned some of our more itinerant staffers. To keep ecological and human balance, only one person was allowed off the island each year. There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that our former editor was secretly swapped for two islanders and an editor to be named later. Although we've recently added two new members to our staff, there is no basis to the story that the creator of ATPM was hog-tied, stuffed in a duffel bag, and traded. The fact that this island is rumored to be the home of a relatively new and mostly irreverent Mac-related Internet publication is merely coincidence. Now for the facts...

The Island of MacAdemia

The following is an honest account of what truly transpired (cross our fingers, hope to diet). During our most recent conversations with this island leader, we mentioned that we needed additional staff for our publication. The Grand Pooh-Bah had been eager to take possession of a Zip drive every since we exchanged a Power Mac 7100 for an island native who eventually became one of our former staff writers. For readers who inclined to know everything, the island is called MacAdemia. So far, it is uncharted (and we will keep the geographical coordinates to ourselves, thank you.).

During one of our conversations with the Grand Pooh-Bah, he recounted how a certain refugee had washed ashore on his favorite inlet beach. This man (referred to only as "the professor") had apparently escaped from another island in the short archipelago where he had lived for many years amongst shipwrecked companions. The professor (now known publicly as Robert Madill) was running away from someone called "Red Shirt, White Hat." From what we understand, the professor, a man of great learning, had been trapped on the island for many years with "Red Shirt, White Hat." He was forced to suffer horrific indignities of countless inane sitcom screenplays that Red Shirt, White Hat (also known to islanders as MacAdamia's "Nut") had written. When we first found Robert, he was intellectually dehydrated. He recuperated at ATPM World Headquarters by reading Adobe software user manuals, and became so proficient that he was offered a position at a university in Canada. We sent him by car so that he could be our first "Road Scholar." As of January 2, 1997, Professor Robert Madill has been added to ATPM's staff as Reviews Editor. Through the wonders of modern hypnosis if you ask him how long he's been at University he'll say more years than he can remember. Be careful, if you tell him the truth he might just "Howell."

Belinda J. Wagner is a native of MacAdemia. In fact, she was the island's top scholar. Actually, she was the only native scholar. All other members of the island's intelligencia had been sacrificed to the mountain god of smoke and fire (the island didn't have cable).

Belinda (not her birth name) was forced from the island because a scientific breakthrough she developed was gaining too much attention and the natives were afraid their exact location would be discovered. The island had its own natural food source and they were afraid that any notoriety would bring the people with golden arches (the island had its own version of a Happy Meal, but that's not germane to this issue). The Grand Pooh-Bah apparently likes his new Zip drive. We, in turn, like Belinda.

The name Belinda was given at birth (in island dialect) is "Qtmndesylkdw Bvcxzplesdfsw." Roughly translated it means either "Beautiful Moon Child by River at Dawning" or "Fat Goat Eats Hay All Day" (we're not sure which). In any case, Belinda discovered a technique that allowed for the surplus stock of 70's style polyester leisure suits to be recycled into the source material for Intel's MMX chip. We understand one reason for the delay in introducing this chip was a shortage of Lime Green Buchanan Plaid material. Rumor has it that if you play disco music near the new chips they automatically recalculate your spreadsheets and open your custom dictionary. Instead of declaring this a defect, Microsoft is hailing it as a new feature for the next upgrade of Microsoft Office.

Just so you don't think it's been all peaches & cream for Belinda, her family has recently suffered a loss. A gerbil escaped in her home and came to an untimely passing behind the refrigerator. To her credit, Belinda is turning this tragedy to triumph. Based on her experience and observations, she's submitted a grant request to study the potentially global implications of spontaneous collisions between lab animals and the moving parts of potentially ozone-depleting appliances (labs are full of refrigerators and freezers). In this era of budget cuts we don't expect much in the way of financing, but we'd like some new wallpaper for our offices. It's a glow-in-the-dark Apple logo pattern on a white background (we're hoping to see a lot less red ink). It's similar to the Apple logo on our new home page (hint). Check out Belinda's new "MacAdemia Nuts and Bolts" education column in this issue.

Please enjoy our 1997 inaugural issue.

P.S. Check out the new ATPM guidelines. They're "cyber-chic." That's French for Internet e-zine cool!

The ATPM StaffApple

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